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  • I accepted Almighty God's work of the last days three years ago.

  • I was elected as church leader in October 2020.

  • I realized it was a big responsibility

  • and I felt a little stressed, but I was also really proud.

  • I felt I was elected for that important duty

  • because I had better caliber than others.

  • I took my duty really seriously,

  • doing my best to fellowship with my brothers and sisters

  • and helping them with problems and difficulties they ran into.

  • I wanted to prove to everyone that I was an excellent leader

  • and could do real work.

  • Then an evildoer started spreading rumors in the church.

  • He was spreading the Chinese Communist Party's lies

  • slandering and blaspheming God in gathering groups,

  • twisting facts and turning things inside out, and judging the work of God's house.

  • He wanted to mislead newcomers into leaving the church and betraying God.

  • So, I was holding gatherings

  • and fellowshiping with the brothers and sisters as much as I could,

  • and I felt like a military commander, leading the troops against enemy factions.

  • I wanted to prove I could protect the brothers and sisters,

  • to show them I could take on a heavy burden,

  • that I was responsible.

  • But in reality, I felt really weak.

  • I myself didn't know how to refute some fallacies and

  • they were even disturbing me, too.

  • But I didn't want to reveal my weakness to the others.

  • I thought that as a church leader,

  • I had to be tough, like a president or military commander.

  • I couldn't let anyone see my weakness!

  • So

  • I never opened up to the brothers and sisters about my own state.

  • Not only did I disguise myself in this matter,

  • when discussing our understandings of God's words in gatherings,

  • I liked talking about profound understandings

  • so others would think I comprehended them really well.

  • But I just glossed over my own failures and corruptions,

  • quickly changing the subject to the things that I did right.

  • For example, if I got sleepy in a gathering,

  • I wouldn't admit it,

  • and I'd hide it when I did have a difficulty

  • instead of sharing it with the others.

  • Sister Marinette, who worked with me, really admired me

  • because I was always helping her with words of God relevant to her state.

  • I knew she kind of looked up to me,

  • and I was really pleased and content when she expressed her admiration.

  • The brothers and sisters who were waterers for newcomers also admired me a lot.

  • Once a sister told me that she'd learned from my fellowship and help.

  • I was really pleased to gain others' approval.

  • In gatherings,

  • some brothers and sisters actively responded with "Amen" after my fellowship,

  • and some even said, "It's just like Brother Matthew said."

  • It seemed to me that they spoke to me with a tone of adoration,

  • and I felt like I held an important place in their hearts.

  • I knew that wasn't appropriate, but I liked the feeling of being looked up to.

  • Then one day, I saw a testimony video called

  • It struck a particular chord with me.

  • A sister, also a leader, was always elevating herself and showing off in her duty.

  • She offended God's disposition and was disciplined with an illness.

  • The crux of the matter was that her behavior disgusted God.

  • When I saw that video,

  • I realized that in my boasting and showing off to gain others' admiration,

  • I was defying and opposing God.

  • I was on the path of an antichrist.

  • I'd never realized

  • that elevating oneself and showing off could be such a serious problem.

  • I kept telling myself,

  • "I've incited God's wrath."

  • I felt really scared and didn't know what to do.

  • Then I read this passage of God's word

  • that gave me some insight into my corruption.

  • Reading God's words felt like a direct blow to my heart.

  • I could see what was hidden deep within me.

  • I had always wanted to construct an image of myself

  • as a strong man, a perfect person.

  • I liked talking about my elevated understanding

  • and my successful experiences to leave people with a positive impression,

  • but I hardly ever talked about my weaknesses or actual difficulties.

  • If I was feeling weak or negative, or faced with some problems,

  • or even when I was in my worst state,

  • I'd just act like everything was great

  • in order to protect my pride and reputation.

  • But in fact, I was really in pain.

  • Seeing others' admiration and adoration for me,

  • I had some awareness of it,

  • and I knew this wasn't good.

  • But I hadn't told people not to adore me,

  • because I wanted everyone's admiration, adoration and praise.

  • Wasn't I just as arrogant as the archangel?

  • I wasn't bringing others before God,

  • but I was bringing them before myself.

  • When I realized I could be taking God's place in the brothers' and sisters' hearts,

  • I was trembling with fear

  • and knew in my heart that God detested my behavior.

  • I was full of remorse and prayed to God,

  • "God, I've been showing off, wanting everyone to see me as a good leader,

  • above everyone else.

  • I'm usurping Your glory.

  • Oh God, I want to repent to You."

  • Then I wrote a repentance letter

  • revealing how I showed off and elevated myself and

  • sent it to every gathering group.

  • I also told everyone unequivocally that they shouldn't adore me.

  • I knew a few brothers and sisters who particularly adored me,

  • so I sent them individual messages opening up and dissecting myself.

  • A few days later, Sister Marinette told me frankly

  • that she had adored me before

  • and that I had held an important place in her heart.

  • I was really ashamed to hear this and felt like it was evidence of my evil.

  • I saw my own ugliness in that moment and felt like I'd lost all reason,

  • getting the others to worship me.

  • How was that doing a duty?

  • Was that what God hoped for when He gave me this duty?

  • I felt really uneasy and ashamed.

  • But I still didn't really seek the truth to resolve my corruption,

  • so before long I fell back into my old ways.

  • One day I went to a gathering that other church leaders attended, too.

  • I felt that the brothers' and sisters' fellowship was simplistic

  • and I was unsettled.

  • I felt like their fellowship was shallow and

  • I looked down on them a bit.

  • I wanted to show them that my fellowship was more practical than theirs.

  • So I mentally prepared what I wanted to say.

  • I thought about saying something more enlightening

  • so I could stick out from the crowd and share some weighty fellowship.

  • I thought over the wording to best enrich my fellowship.

  • I really wanted to prove that

  • I had a higher understanding so others would appreciate my insight.

  • During my fellowship I used lots of examples

  • so they would know that my fellowship was detailed and rich.

  • When I was done, I was very satisfied to hear everyone say "Amen."

  • Then I rushed to check the chat window

  • to see if the brothers and sisters had said something nice about my fellowship.

  • When we were almost done,

  • Brother Zen shared some fellowship.

  • Instead of quoting God's words and talking about

  • how we should practice based on God's words like he used to,

  • he referenced my fellowship.

  • I saw I was exalting myself and showing off again,

  • causing others to adore me.

  • I felt really mad at myself in that moment.

  • In the gathering we'd just shared some of God's words with everyone,

  • stating that we need to speak from the heart.

  • How could I be boasting and showing off?

  • I simply didn't dare believe I was acting that way.

  • I looked up the passages of God's words we'd read in the gathering

  • so I could give them some careful thought.

  • I saw from God's words

  • that I have to open my heart with my brothers and sisters,

  • talk about what is in my heart, share my real experience,

  • and avoid showing off with empty words.

  • Thinking about myself,

  • I was just talking about some empty theories to

  • flaunt myself and gain others' admiration.

  • The consequences of this were very clear.

  • The others looked up to me

  • and didn't bear witness to God's words,

  • but instead used my fellowship as their reference.

  • In gatherings I would frequently hear people saying things like,

  • "Thanks to Brother Matthew's fellowship"

  • or "Just like Brother Matthew said."

  • I thought of Paul

  • always elevating himself and being ostentatious,

  • and not bearing witness to the Lord Jesus' word.

  • That led believers to adore Paul and bear witness to his words for 2,000 years.

  • Wasn't I doing the same thing as Paul,

  • and on the same antichrist's path of resisting God?

  • I felt really afraid and hated myself at the same time.

  • I said a prayer,

  • "Oh God,

  • I'm making the same mistake again.

  • Your words showed me the way but,

  • I'm still following Satan, satisfying my vainglory.

  • I'm playing the part of Satan again.

  • God, I need Your help, please save me!"

  • One evening while preparing documents for a gathering,

  • I saw this passage:

  • Reading these words from God left me trembling with fear.

  • Through this revelation of God's words,

  • I saw my wild ambition and my desire to achieve great things.

  • I wanted to preside over gatherings and make grand speeches.

  • I loved showing off in gatherings and

  • wanted the brothers' and sisters' adoration,

  • hoping they would think I had good caliber and profound understanding.

  • Driven by these desires,

  • I wanted to preach and show off at every gathering I attended,

  • hoping that others would admire and worship me.

  • I loved that kind of leadership.

  • But when I read

  • my heart was trembling, and I felt a sense of fear deep in my heart.

  • I thought I'd been satisfying God before,

  • but I now realized I was disgusting Him.

  • I had just wanted to do something great,

  • hold great gatherings, preach something lofty.

  • I wasn't motivated by bearing witness for God or practicing the truth,

  • and I wasn't taking on a burden for the brothers' and sisters' lives.

  • It was all to exalt myself and

  • have a special place in my brothers' and sisters' hearts.

  • This was in fact an offense of God's administrative decrees.

  • it states:

  • Looking upon myself, I realized that

  • it wasn't just my self-exaltation that had offended the administrative decrees,

  • but even worse,

  • I'd led the brothers and sisters onto the wrong path and

  • made them resist God because they were adoring a person.

  • The consequences of this were serious.

  • I suffered greatly within myself and

  • I thought God couldn't possibly forgive me for offending His disposition.

  • I prayed,

  • "God! I'm really in pain and I'm suffering.

  • I didn't know I was inciting Your wrath, and I'd like to repent.

  • Oh God! I seek Your enlightenment to understand Your will."

  • In my terror, I read this passage of God's words:

  • Reading this gave me a sense of peace.

  • I thought I'd offended God in an unforgivable way,

  • but that wasn't the case.

  • Although God was using harsh words to

  • judge, chastise, discipline, and reproach me,

  • He didn't hate me.

  • He wanted me to change.

  • I could see God's righteous disposition, as well as His mercy and tolerance.

  • I knew this time I had to seek the truth and resolve my corrupt disposition.

  • Then I read another passage of God's words:

  • Reading this passage of God's words helped me understand what God wanted of me.

  • He wanted me to be an honest person.

  • That is to say,

  • I had to learn to expose my corruption and honest thoughts to others

  • so they could see my weaknesses and shortcomings.

  • If I kept exalting myself without revealing my weaknesses and failures,

  • and instead always used fellowshiping and gatherings to show off,

  • it would be extremely dishonest.

  • It would be cheating my brothers and sisters.

  • I saw I absolutely had to be an honest person.

  • I also gained some understanding of my own mistaken ideas.

  • I thought a leader should be

  • a heroic person without weaknesses, like some director out in the world,

  • on a higher rung than others, better than others.

  • But that's not the kind of leader that God wants.

  • God wants simple, honest people.

  • Such people can open up about their corruption and shortcomings,

  • and they love and practice the truth.

  • The purpose of their fellowship isn't to show off,

  • but to use their own experience to help the brothers and sisters.

  • I remembered what the Lord Jesus said:

  • I realized that a leader plays the role of a servant,

  • a servant with a heavy responsibility.

  • No matter what, they always have to keep their responsibility in mind,

  • and this responsibility is to support their brothers and sisters,

  • and seek the truth to help them resolve problems.

  • A leader isn't an officer and isn't above anyone else.

  • But I had been putting on an act during my whole time as a leader,

  • hoping people would admire and idolize me.

  • Was this not contrary to God's requirements?

  • God is the Creator,

  • and all humans, no matter how exalted or lowly their position,

  • are created beings,

  • and should worship the Creator.

  • I knew my role and responsibility,

  • that I should stand in the place of a created being and properly do my duty.

  • I had a change in my mindset from that point on

  • and I began to consciously practice being honest.

  • When I noticed I was exalting myself and showing off,

  • I'd open up and consciously expose my corruption and shortcomings.

  • Sometimes that was painful,

  • but it showed me how dishonest I really was.

  • I saw that I had been playing so many games and

  • fooling my brothers and sisters so much.

  • The more I opened up, the more I saw my true colors and true stature.

  • I realized I was never as high and mighty as I'd thought.

  • Before, in all my fellowship with my brothers and sisters,

  • I'd been putting myself up on high,

  • encouraging and helping people with doctrine.

  • But now I started sharing my true state with my brothers and sisters,

  • opening up my heart to them in fellowship.

  • When I did this, I didn't feel like I was any smarter than the others.

  • Instead, I was able to learn from their experiences

  • and gain illumination and enlightenment from others' fellowship.

  • I'd hardly paid attention to others' fellowship before,

  • arrogantly assuming I was the one providing illumination for others.

  • Now that I was having heartfelt conversation with everyone,

  • I was able to truly listen to the experiences and knowledge

  • fellowshiped by the brothers and sisters,

  • so I understood them better and could see their actual state,

  • allowing me to develop a closer relationship with them.

  • I also experienced that when I tried to help the brothers and sisters,

  • it also helped me a lot.

  • I learned many things through our fellowship together.

  • I was less haughty and self-important

  • and could get along with the brothers and sisters on an equal footing.

  • My reason was becoming normal,

  • and I was able to open up my heart during fellowship in gatherings.

  • I'm so grateful to God for this change in me.

  • Now, sometimes I still catch myself showing off and

  • it shows me how deeply Satan has corrupted me,

  • that this isn't just a passing thing, but is in my bones and in my blood.

  • Without the sustenance of the truth,

  • without God's judgment, chastisement, and guidance,

  • I'd have kept showing off and fooling the others.

  • Thanks to God's guidance, I've reversed my flawed perspectives.

  • I'm even more grateful to God

  • for being saved from the bonds and the control of my satanic disposition.

  • Thank Almighty God!

I accepted Almighty God's work of the last days three years ago.

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