Name: How to Work with Someone You Can't Stand: The Harvard Business Review Guide
Uploaded: 2024-02-02T06:15:06.000Z
Duration: 8 min 20 s
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What do you do when you work with someone you just can't stand?

Let me guess, you avoid them, argue with them, or complain about them?

While these instinctive reactions are completely normal, you know as well as I do that they're not exactly constructive.

In this video, you'll learn how to shift your approach and foster working relationships that are better for you, your team, and your organization.

What if I told you I had a magic trick that would make that annoying coworker not annoying anymore?

First, picture that coworker in your mind.

OK, now what's the first thing you think of?

If you're like most people, you're probably thinking about all of the things about them that bug you.

But what if-- and this is the magic part--you got curious instead of irritated?

Because adopting this mindset, while not always easy, is going to help you transform how you feel about this co-worker.

The tips that I'm about to share do not apply if the person is behaving unethically or mistreating others.

In those cases, you have to call out the behavior or bring it to the attention of someone who has the power to address it.

Also, be careful if you think this person will be vindictive.

You have to be the judge of whether it is safe to address the relationship.

Here are some questions to ask when you start to feel annoyed.

First, you can ask yourself, "How am I reacting?"

As author Daniel Goleman points out, it's far more useful to focus on your own behavior because, well, it's something you can control.

You can practice stress reduction to manage your frustration and to minimize the impact of their behavior on you.

You can then ask, "What exactly is it that's bothering me and why?"

Focusing on the specific actions rather than their entire personality will be far more productive and much easier to address.

As organizational psychologist Ben Dattner explains, "Your coworker didn't create the button, they're just pushing it."

Maybe this unlikable person reminds you of someone who you have a difficult relationship with.

Or maybe deep down you wish you had their job.

Jealousy, negative associations, and triggering emotions can cause us to wrongly assess someone and mistreat them.

Or maybe you're worried that people dislike you in the way that you dislike this colleague.

Or maybe this person is just different from you.

Unfortunately, we can have subconscious and biased behavior towards people who are not the same as us.

And the consequences of that are much worse than mere irritation.

Identify what might be an unfair stereotype.

And then set that aside and focus on the actions that are bothering you.

Remember, it's much easier to change your perspective than it is to ask someone to be a different person.

You could also ask yourself, is it really so bad for your team or your organization to have people who don't like each other?

It's often the people who challenge us or provoke us that prompt new insights or propel the team to greater success.

That's worthy of your respect and curiosity even if you don't plan to invite them to your backyard barbecue.

You already know what you don't like about your coworker, but it can be helpful to ask, "What do I like about this person?"

You can ask yourself or colleagues who seem to work well with this person, what are their best qualities?

Maybe they have a good sense of humor or an eagle eye for detail.

How can these qualities benefit your organization?

It's important to note if you're a manager who dislikes an employee who reports to you, you may be unconsciously mismanaging them and treating them unfairly.

To avoid serious problems, pay extra attention to the value they do bring to the team, and don't focus on their flaws.

Another question to ask is, "What might happen if I spent more time with them?"

But see if you can intentionally work on a project with them.

Or invite them out for a real or virtual cup of coffee.

And if you make it a point to ask open-ended questions and really listen to their answers, you may discover what motivates their behavior.

Maybe it's stress at home, pressure from their boss, or their own insecurities.

Empathy and appreciation may displace that irritation and give you an opportunity for a shared positive experience.

It's highly possible that they don't know how their behavior is impacting others and that it's standing in their way professionally.

If that's the case, you can ask, "Can we talk about it?"

Now, this conversation is not a free-for-all where you get to list all of your grievances.

It's a chance for you to talk together about how to improve your working relationship.

Conversations like these are not the easiest.

So use your best judgment to see if they're open to it.

And don't feel like you have to broach the subject if you feel like it'll just make things worse.

However, if they are receptive, you can say something like, "I don't think we're working together as effectively as we could."

"Do you have any ideas for how we could work better together?"

Or "Our working relationship is important to me, and there's something on my mind. Can we talk about it?"

Instead of saying, "You take up too much airtime,"

you could say, "I'd love to figure out a way for us both to get our ideas out in the weekly team meeting. What do you suggest?"

Again, focus on specific behaviors that they can control, and on work issues.

So they don't think you're attacking their personality.

For instance, instead of saying, "Your edits are nitpicky and driving me up a wall," you can say, "I noticed that you rewrote several of my headlines in that presentation. Can we agree now on what level of edits are necessary going forward?"

It can help set the stage if you're curious and open to what feedback they might have for you.

Chances are the negative feelings are mutual and they may have a few things to say to you too.

That sort of feedback isn't always easy to hear.

If you've asked yourself all of these questions and you're still truly stuck, you can ask, "What if I just ignore them?"

As long as you can do this without being passive-aggressive, detaching yourself emotionally with a "I don't care attitude," can help neutralize the effect of their irritating behavior on you.

And if this person is truly just a jerk, you can always just tell yourself every day they have to wake up as their miserable self and you get to wake up as you.

In situations where you have little to no control,this cognitive reframing is a helpful tool of last resort.

We're all different, and sometimes a co-worker's behavior can rub you the wrong way.

Focusing on managing your own reactions is something you can control.

Digging deeper to unpack your reactions may reveal more about your own role in the situation.

Is it really so bad to not like this person?

Diverse opinions and work styles can be key to innovation and problem-solving.

Pay attention to their strengths and how those can be assets to your team.

What might happen if I spend more time with this person?

This takes a big dose of openness, but you may discover what drives their behavior, both good and bad.

If they are open to it, having a careful, constructive conversation about how you can work better together can yield positive results.

As a last resort, you can short circuit being annoyed by just deciding not to care about it anymore.

All of these strategies are from HBR articles, which are linked in the description below.

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How to Work with Someone You Can't Stand: The Harvard Business Review Guide

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