Name: It took me 30+ years to learn what I’ll teach you in 10 minutes
Uploaded: 2025-06-17T14:42:00.000Z
Duration: 12 min 49 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

Alright, this video is going to be harder than normal, I want to go through all the research on perfectionism, what causes it, how it develops, how it affects your brain and body, and what you can do about it, because it's taken me a really long time to realize how much of a negative impact perfectionism has had on my life, despite struggling, like I always thought it was a positive thing, in fact, I was raised believing it was a badge of honor to be a perfectionist.

But not only has more and more research come out challenging this belief and showing some extremely serious consequences for perfectionists, but because it's taken me decades of my life to really face this uncomfortable truth, I thought learning more about it would not only help me, but hopefully other people out there too.

So we'll start by clearing up something quickly.

Perfectionism is not just wanting to do a good job or having high standards and goals.

Psychologists actually define it as a personality style characterized by the desire to achieve way beyond what is reasonably expected and often linked with super high self-criticism, mental ruminating, and a major fear of failure.

And research shows that levels of perfectionism have skyrocketed over the last few decades, especially in young people, which we'll look at as well.

But first, let's see if you relate to these traits used to measure perfectionism, first defined by Frost et al.

Excessive concern over making mistakes 2.

Perception of high parental expectations 5.

Preference for organization and orderliness Ding ding ding ding ding ding we have a winner.

If you're anything like me, that list probably just called you out pretty hard.

Further research by Hewitt and Flett identified three dimensions that perfectionists seem to fall into.

Number one is self-oriented perfectionism, or when you have your own super high internal expectations on yourself.

Two is other-oriented perfectionism, which is when you put your high expectations onto other people expecting them to be perfect.

And number three is social prescribed perfectionism, which is the perception or reality that other people impose unrealistic expectations on you, like your parents or society.

These three dimensions aren't mutually exclusive, so you could have a bit of all of them, or you might identify more with one of them.

For me, it's mostly self-prescribed perfectionism, but there's definitely a bunch of like social prescribed perfectionism going on in here too.

And I'm sure my partner Greg would say there's also some other-oriented perfectionism that happens in our household.

So let's quickly talk about where perfectionism comes from and how it develops.

Not surprisingly, research shows it's partly your genetics and natural tendencies, but also your environment and external factors and how they interplay.

But there's one factor in particular that research has really honed in on when it comes to perfectionism, and that is parenting.

Study after study after study has linked parenting style and especially parental criticism and high expectations to not only the development, but maintenance of perfectionism.

This can range from the more obvious version, like vocal criticism and pressure to achieve, but it can also manifest from more subtle cues and family dynamics.

Maybe you weren't highly criticized, but it was obvious that your family celebrated excellence and anything less was overlooked.

Or maybe your family wanted to maintain an image of happiness and perfection to others, forcing a facade onto you.

Research even shows that having perfectionist parents is a high predictor for you to be a perfectionist as well.

But it really boils down to parents invalidating early childhood experiences.

People with more secure attachment styles were typically given a safe environment to self-explore and make mistakes, allowing them to find out who they are without fear of rejection or punishment.

But for a lot of perfectionists, their parents may have invalidated these experiences by emphasizing mistakes or having unrealistic expectations, which can lead to a lower sense of self-worth, shame, and anger.

Kieran and Hill suggest that the need to be perfect or appear perfect is a strategy that is adopted to compensate for, repair, and protect a damaged sense of self-worth through obtaining the approval of others.

And this type of attachment can lead to other psychological disorders too.

In fact, this study on eating disorders found that perfectionism, perceived criticism, and parental expectations were significantly correlated with the presence of bulimic symptoms.

Now, of course, our culture and societal pressure play a massive role in this too.

There's been a 32% increase in perfectionism among students between 1989 to 2016, but social prescribed perfectionism has increased at basically double the rate of self-oriented and other-oriented.

Which is super important to recognize, like give yourselves and your parents a bit of a break because the world itself is way more competitive than it ever was.

There's a lot of external pressure to be high-achieving, along with the influence that even social media has on us, constantly seeing people doing amazing things, perfecting their routines and bodies, and celebrating all their successes.

And all these factors lead perfectionists to a style of thinking called perseverative cognitive style, where it's really difficult to disengage from negative thoughts.

Constantly worrying about the future or replaying past mistakes becomes habitual, making you feel inadequate and anxious about making more mistakes.

Your brain starts to see criticism and judgment even when it might not exist.

And for many social-oriented perfectionists, they feel that their desire to achieve is never satiated, almost like it's an endless chase to a finish line that just keeps moving further and further away.

And all these constant negative thoughts are then linked to emotional distress and health problems, which brings us to the consequences and impact of perfectionism on your mental health and body.

So this is where I really want to emphasize that being a perfectionist isn't just like a cute and quirky trait.

It's literally linked to a ton of physical and psychological disorders.

There's research showing it's linked with pathways of physical stress, including ulcers, migraines, gastrointestinal issues, chronic fatigue, and even hypertension.

One study even found a 51% increase in the risk of death for those who are high in self-expression.

People who have other-oriented perfectionism struggle more with relationships, whether that be explicitly adversarial or just simply having lower satisfaction in general in relationships.

This also includes more interpersonal conflicts and issues at work.

And though the link is not quite as strong in the research, many studies have correlated disordered eating with perfectionism as well.

This can also be expressed as physical appearance perfectionism, where one focuses so obsessively on looks or a perfect eating regime that it negatively impacts other areas of their life.

But perhaps the biggest standout is the many studies linking perfectionism to anxiety and depression.

Interestingly, the research suggests it's not just correlation, but actually causation.

That is, the higher you fall on the perfectionist scale, the more likely you are to be anxious and depressed.

Fears of performing to real or imagined standards, again, result in shame, low self-esteem, and diminished ability to cope with negative emotions, which ultimately makes one vulnerable to depression.

Even middle school students with high scores in socially prescribed perfectionism have higher rates of depression.

Now, for many perfectionists, the increased anxiety is then linked to something else called anxiety sensitivity.

That is, becoming afraid of the symptoms of anxiety themselves, sometimes dubbed the fear of fear, which can be a predictor for more serious anxiety disorders.

Because your perfectionism can trigger such intense emotions and anxiety, you then become afraid of triggering that.

In more mild cases, this might result in an avoidance strategy, which means you stop doing things that you would otherwise want to do simply to avoid these feelings.

You know, maybe you've always wanted to be a musician, but your ambition just doesn't yet match your skill and you're afraid to look dumb or not good enough, and as a result you put off taking the next steps and instead obsess over researching and organizing and thinking about the perfect ways to do it instead of actually just doing the thing you want to do.

This may or may not be a biographical account.

In more extreme cases, this has been seen to develop into things like OCD, panic disorders, and phobias.

Again, social prescribed perfectionism is most strongly linked to both anxiety and depression.

At its most extreme end, studies have found a link between perfectionism and suicide.

Of course, suicide is extremely complex and not just caused by one issue, but the negative thought patterns and inner critic can play a significant role in thoughts and behaviors.

Studies on university students found that those who presented with both perfectionism and suicidal ideation had two dimensions in common.

One, reports of a history of parental criticism, and two, doubts about actions.

Many men in particular commit suicide without any previous mental health diagnosis.

The truth is, if you have a carefully constructed image of being perfect, being in control, and being extremely competent, then facing public setbacks can be really difficult to cope with.

This is often dubbed the cracking facade because perfectionists are quite good at hiding their problems until it's very far gone, and it can all break apart really fast.

Studies find this is most true for self-oriented and societal dimensions of perfectionism, whereas other-oriented perfectionism is more associated with grandiose personality disorders like narcissism.

Because perfectionism is so multifaceted, as in it's a problem in and of itself, but it also makes other problems harder to deal with, most of the research suggests that it be dealt with as not only a primary problem, but in conjunction with other diagnoses.

And one of the main forms of treatment is, not so surprisingly, therapy.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is the most prominent and researched form for perfectionism, and has shown success in lowering an individual's perfectionist score, as well as lessening unwanted emotions and negative thoughts.

These studies have even found self-help and web-based versions of CBT to be effective.

More recent research has shown success using mindfulness-based approaches too, like acceptance and commitment therapy.

They found that mindfulness lessens the cognitive and emotional load, especially for those who feel self-presentation is necessary to maintain for others, and these therapies can lower depression and anxiety levels.

Interestingly, the research consistently brings up the idea of self-compassion.

So self-critical perfectionists who don't really have the skill of self-compassion struggle most intensely and most often with anxiety and depression.

And other research has confirmed that self-compassion is protective against depression.

Early and specific treatments seem to be best at nipping it in the bud, but it's never too late to reach out for help.

Like I said, this is something I only really faced in my fourth decade of life.

So even though it wasn't easy, it took a really intense inner crisis for me, and obviously a lot of therapy, I feel I've come a long way and I really want to reiterate that it's never too late to start changing your relationship to perfectionism.

A lot of research suggests schools, both primary and secondary, consider implementing programs to help their students manage these increasing expectations and increasing rates of perfectionism to help build coping strategies and self-compassion.

From my personal experience, something I've genuinely come to believe about myself and other people is that often your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness and vice versa.

Like my perfectionism has definitely pushed me in ways that have helped me and made me accomplish things that I'm super proud of, but it's also caused me like a ton of strife.

And so right now, I feel like it's not about getting rid of it.

It's about really learning to face it, to see it, to acknowledge it, to know when it comes up, and then to know which parts of that are actually useful for you, which parts are causing you strain, anxiety, depression, and which parts are like motivating you to do things that make you feel good.

It's not so black and white, which is obviously a perfectionist way of thinking.

I'm like, I either have to have it or I have to get rid of it.

Find a way to know it's not always good, and then we'll go from there.

In all the research, something that really stood out to me was that while perfectionism is often defined as the fear of not doing things right, just as many papers define it as the fear of not being good enough.

That hit me really hard and is a really powerful way to think about it.