Name: The Problem of Shame
Uploaded: 2018-08-10T04:07:37.000Z
Duration: 5 min 44 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

One of the great problems in the world is also one of the most invisible,

because by its nature, it asks to be hidden and saps our ability to spot its symptoms.

But, to generalize grossly, few things so undermine human well-being as the sickness of shame.

The guilty feel bad for something specific they have done; the shamed feel wretched simply for being.

As shamed people, we don't connect the myriad ways in which our behavior and feelings are driven by a base conviction of our own abhorrence.

We just take it as a given that we are disgusting. We lack the capacity to imagine that our shame has a history,

and therefore, perhaps, a future that could be curtailed.

A first step in untangling ourselves is to get enough distance to spot and name the problem.

We might make use of a little questionnaire. Out of 10, rate how true the following statements feel:

I don't deserve to exist. I am defective. I am unworthy of being known and loved.

I am a mistake. I deserve to be abandoned. I should not be.

Anything over an eight starts to indicate the problem, but if there were an option,

most of us in the shamed camp would want to award ourselves a hundred or more.

This is the windswept barren land of shame, where many of us have been living all our lives,

often without enough mental well being to know that this is where we've been relegated.

We should probe at where our shame collects.

Take the outline of a human figure. What are we ashamed of?  Our mind?

Facial appearance? Physique? Genitals? Anus? We were not born ashamed.

We should summon up the voices that gave us our legacy and which we have then internalized and blended with our own:

You'll never amount to anything. You're the family idiot. You disgust me.

Others may wonder why people around us behave this way.

The answer is clear enough to the shamed: because we deserved it.

We wouldn't be truly shamed people if all it took was a few simple questions to shake us from our conviction of our detestable identity.

We were shamed because we were and are defective. Our caregivers weren't mean.

They were, above anything else, perceptive, even brilliant. They could spot things that later, kinder people cannot.

They had the true measure of us. Shamed children don't blame their guardians.

We protect them for a weird but logical reason: so as not to feel entirely alone.

We prefer to think well of our caregivers than to take on board how badly we have been let down,

with all the convulsive rage and sadness that would entail.

The consequences of shame are written across our lives.

We don't allow other people to get too close to us.

They would only be appalled if they knew the true us. We're not so good on physical intimacy.

We get scared all the time. Bad things happen to bad people.

We don't like parties. Why would anyone be pleased to see us? We have a lot of secrets, for most of what we are is unacceptable to other eyes.

We go in for addictive behavior to escape our self-hatred,

then feel even more ashamed of ourselves for the unholy things we've done. What is the way out of shame?

The same popular answer is to tell ourselves that we are beautiful and good. But that won't easily convince us.

There may be a better, more oblique strategy to bypass the defenses of the shamed.

We should stress not that we are wonderful, but that every human being, who has ever walked the planet

is, in their own way, radically imperfect and broken when observed from close up.

We may be a bit wrong, but so, blessedly, is everyone else who is and has ever been.

We can be stupid, perverted and uncouth, but that is wholly normal.

Rather than implicitly upholding an ideal of goodness by telling ourselves that we do, after all, measure up to it,

far better to throw away ideals and all notions of achievable purity and goodness.

Better to accept that we are, as a group, entirely crazy and ill-tempered, wicked and odd,

but then to stress just how much this is a reason for mercy and kindness, rather than censure and condemnation.

Let's stop judging ourselves and others by unreal standards, that's how we made ourselves ill.

Let's laugh and comfort each other for the absurdity and horror of existing in human form.

The primary sin of those who made us feel ashamed was not so much that they spotted our flaws,

it's that they forgot their own awfulness, and then, had the gall to blame us for our own.

We should give up on fascistic perfectionism

in order to make a generous home for our cracked reality in our own and in the collective imagination.

That'll be the start of our way out of the problem of shame.

At The School of Life, we believe that confidence is a skill we can all learn. Click now to learn more.