Name: I Feel Lost
Uploaded: 2018-07-21T01:13:19.000Z
Duration: 13 min 54 s
Description: Thousands of YouTube videos with English-Chinese subtitles! Now you can learn to understand native speakers, expand your vocabulary, and improve your pronunciation...

I know it's late I, uh, I haven't really done one of these late night vlogs in a long time.

I don't know what the title says. 
Probably something depressing, uh

Honestly, I'm not- I'm not depressed if it sounds like that, or whatever it is.

Or whatever this boils down to in a three-word phrase, um...

I a- a- as is usual when I do these late night vlogs, usually the fuel is me getting nostalgic.

Uh, and this is no different. I was... I was looking through DeviantArt.

And I was looking at old pieces of fan art...

In those times that I was taken back to those moments in my life.

And I was taken back to... you know when I was first starting the channel and...

And- And one of the key differences between then and now besides the number of people here is um...

It's not my attitude towards making videos. It's...

Cuz before... like I was beaming and shining with optimism and I was looking up, you know. Looking up.

And I was looking up at what could be and I had aspirations and I had goals and I had...

and, uh- and it was like you know it was an underdog story at that point.

'Cause you know you spend so- so much time looking at the top of the hill

you don't think what you're gonna do when you get there and here I am

now with almost 17 million people about to

subscribe and I'm trying to comprehend what that means.

I..I almost don't feel like I'm looking up anymore.

There's certain realities about this job that weren't apparent you know when I was starting out.

And some of the harder realities are you can't be there for everybody and that...

then you have a tough time pleasing anybody.

It's the conundrum of choice. 
The more choice you have the less happy you are

because you're not able to commit your time to something.

And again I'm not saying like I'm not trying to say I'm depressed here I'm not. I actually

I actually am happier than I have been making videos. Um...

and it's becoming more apparent the more dedicated I am back into making videos and-

What happens is, an- and let me just give you a snippet of what my life is right now ..How

How, uh, fucked up it's become since I was in engineering school

aspiring to do YouTube videos in my bedroom

I'm saying no to all these things, just cause like

I don't know. I feel like don't deserve it.

and, I feel like and I feel like in that-

'Cause what- what it's the it's the whole choice thing, you know.

I've got so many options that I can do and I've got so many ambitions of what I want to do.

It's not like I don't have goals but there's so many things that I could focus my time on

that you end up focusing on nothing  and you end up just kind of drifting but you're like:

"I can't give everything my undivided attention."

commit- starting now and then you just end up in limbo.

And I know it might seem like I'm whining here, "Oh, success it sucks so much."

Because, like, me doing this has never been about me being successful.

journey that I've been able to be a part of,

and the amazing people that I've met along the way,

and the opportunities that have been given to me. (sniff) I'm a mess, sorry.

I'm tired of that feeling of... you know,

I'm tired of seeming like I'm not going anywhere, spinning my wheels.

Subtitles ListPlay Video

I Feel Lost

stuff

conscious

dedicated

introvert